Tonight is my last night as Krysta Bordner.  There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my heart and head right now.  I've dreamed of this day since I was three years old.  Nothing could have prepared me for how exciting and amazing it is to be loved by someone so incredible and who wants to spend their life with me.  Everytime I look at Brandon my heart skips a beat in awe that this wonderful man has asked me to marry him and is going to marry me tomorrow.  That in itself is overwhelming.  Another emotion I feel is gratefulness.  I have been so incredibly blessed with wonderful family and friends.  I tried to express that tonight in a small speech at the wedding rehearsal, but started to cry.  So embarrassing (I'm not a crier).  The friends and family that have stepped up and volunteered to help in any way has touched my heart.  How I'm going to hold it together when I walk down the aisle?... well... I probably won't hold it together.  Seeing the faces of the people that mean so much to me and Brandon down as I walk down the aisle will be very emotional for me.  Thank you all for your support and your love.  Thank you for your investment in my life, in Brandon's life, and our life together.  I love you all and pray God blesses you and keeps you!

This is my last week in my current apartment.  It's a bit bittersweet for me.  I remember the stress of trying to find a cheap apartment and knowing that I would not get a nice apartment with the rent I was looking to pay.  Through friends I found the perfect apartment.  350/month, and they would allow me to have my cat.  I remember the first time I saw my apartment.  It was a dump that hadn't been updated since the 1970s, and I wanted to cry.  Before I moved in, I showed some friends my place.  They knew I was kind of sad about the shape my apartment was in, but I was getting cheerier as I discovered the landlord was going to let me paint and change some things.  I asked my friends to help me paint the place.  They went a step further and just purchased, not only the paint, but new light fixtures and remnants for my bedroom.  I didn't want them to pay for it.  I told them that I could have paid for those things over a few months, but they would have none of it.  I was completely blessed.  Then my whole small group at the time came over to help me paint my room, living room, bathroom, and all the ceilings.  The guys put in the new light fixtures in all the rooms.  I remember falling so in love with my new place. But I am glad now to be  moving on to the next step.  I am marrying the man I love in less 4 months and 12 days.  We decided we wanted to find our future place now and get me moved into it.  Brandon would continue to live at his dad's until after our wedding.  We searched long and hard for a place that was a two bedrooms, spacious, clean and that would allow Weasley (my cat).  LaPorte does not take good care of their rental properties... except for our new landlord and landlady.  This new apartment is very spacious, kept clean, and they are allowing Weasley to live there as well!  Our rent includes gas, central air, heat, water, wifi, and basic cable.  The only bill we will have is NIPSCO.  We are very excited about this new place.  It will be a farther drive to work for me, but we will be closer to church, and to Brandon's family.  I'm looking forward to making new memories in our new place.  I am sad to be leaving this place I've turned into a home, but I am glad that one of my future sister-in-laws will be moving into it. 

I have spent most of my life in self-loathing.  My self-esteem has never been very good.  I've hidden it with sarcasm, arrogance, and pride.... especially in my high school days and my "younger college years."  I was never really liked during these years as well.  I've always had problems with making friends since I was old enough to talk (this may be the problem...).  If you were a high school counselor, I was the girl you hoped didn't get assigned to your cabin on a retreat.  I never knew when to shut up.  Sure I had some friends, but I also had a lot of peers who did not like me and I do not blame them.  In my "early college years" (I'm a bit of an older college student now ) I had much of the same issues, but I had a couple of people who saw potential in me and invested in me.  I began to grow for a couple of years, but then I began to struggle with deeper issues and in the process seriously hurt and wounded these people who invested in me.  I struggled with this sin and depression for a couple of years before I made the decision to leave where I was and move permanently to Indiana.  In the four years I have been here I have been dramatically changed by my Savior.  I had to learn a lot about forgiveness... not in giving it, but receiving it.  I had to learn how to rely on my Savior and not those around me.  I had to learn A LOT about Grace... and this is an area I am still learning and struggling with.  Since I've moved here, I have contacted those people who invested in me that I hurt and I asked for their forgiveness, and since then it has been a burdened lifted off my shoulders.  I knew I could never be in contact with those people again with what I had done, and I will always regret the pain I caused them, but it has been nice to be free of the guilt I carried.  I know this seems like a lot jibberish, but this is for me to just let things out that I have been thinking about because I am just NOW getting to the point of everything that has been in my head:

While I have been able to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt in the above mentioned situation, from God and actually FINALLY forgive myself for probably the worst thing I have ever done, I still struggle with how I was in high school.  I know it was been almost 10 years since high school and you're probably thinking: Krysta, just get over it.  I thought I was but something came up this week that just really has made me feel.... down.   I send a lot of friend requests on facebook to people I know from high school, from high school youth group in Cali, friends here in Indiana, etc.  One girl from high school youth group sent me a message stating she was not going to accept my request because I made her spring semester of her senior year of high school a nightmare.  I said some nasty things about her and she was so upset she missed a day of school.  While she wishes me no ill will, she does not want me part of her life.  I was in complete shock to receive this message.  For one: while I was never close with this person, I don't remember ever NOT liking her and therefore couldn't think of any reason as to why I would say nasty things about her.  Two:  that something I might have done in high school has still wounded that person (I don't mean this in a "suck it up, yo" kind of way... I mean it in that something that I said would actually matter to someone whether it was mean or nice).  Three:  That I was such a screw up in high school that it was quite possible I did say some mean things about this person even if I can not think of what it could be.  I messaged this girl back apologizing to her.  I apologized for being a difficult immature person back then.  I told her I don't remember saying anything about her and that I only remember liking her and that despite that fact... it was quite possible that I might have said something mean... or it could be someone completely twisted something I said into something mean.  I told her I understood her position and that I wished her well.  I was hurting when I wrote that message.  I hate who I was back then.  I hate that I hurt people; I hate that I left such a bad impression on those around me; I hate that I was so immature that no one had anything good to say about me.

But through all my self-loathing high school thoughts this week, I've heard a still small voice, and I am learning to listen to it and find peace in it.  Grace.  God has placed people in my present life that have shown me who I can be in HIM despite my faults.  These people he has placed in my life have shown me it's ok that I'm flawed... they're flawed too, but we ALL have hope.  God has shown me that through my flaws he has worked hard in me.  I still have flaws, but I know that I have matured and grown in HIM.  Why?  Because of his astounding GRACE.  What would I do without it?  What would any of us do?  I know I will still struggle with the person I used to be.  I may come across more people that I have hurt, and I will feel the pain and consequences for the wrong I have done them.  I hurt for that girl who messaged me, but I am glad that she was honest with me. 

I know this was probably  a weird post, and not a fun read, but I needed to type it out... I guess vent. 

"Lord, I thank you for loving me just as I am

Though I'm weak by myself  in Your strength I will stand

Your grace is sufficient for me

You're all I need and it's all I can do   

To surrender my will in submission to You  

Your grace is sufficient for me

Eternally Yours"

I didn't even see when the last time I blogged was.  Forever ago maybe?  Where did my 100 books in one year go?  I had to stop reading.  Why?  Because I LOVE reading.  I love reading SOOOO much that I don't do my homework for school.  I'm a huge procrastinator.  See, Brandon!  I admitted it!

Who's Brandon you ask?  Well, Brandon would be super sweet, incredibly good-looking, completely romantic boyfriend of 4 months and 8 days.  But who's counting?  Brandon and I met at State Street Community Church.  That would be my church.  You thought I went to Lamb's Chapel?!  Silly!  Lamb's Chapel became so big that we planted our service in downtown LaPorte.  The neighborhood that our church is now in is in desperate need of prayer and love.  We have recently opened a food pantry that has been feeding quite a few people.  Anyways... back to Brandon!  He would be our pastor's older brother, but not THAT much older.  He's 33.  He takes care of me and loves me!  I am one happy girl!  Brandon and I are coming to California to spend Thanksgiving with my mom, dad, brother and niece (Mikayla is now 2 and a half), and to visit all my way cool Cali friends. 

So what else is up?  I was promoted this week to Team Leader at Chesterton location.  I'm very excited about this and have really been working toward this for over a year now.  After 90 days of being a Team Leader, if I do a good job, then I will become office manager of the Chesterton location.  This goes along with my major at school (Organizational Leadership and Supervision). 

School... Yes I'm still in school and will be for at least another 3 years :(  Oh well... I'm working hard hence why I had to stop reading my books.  It's KILLING ME!!!!

Misc:  Also, Brandon and I, and some friends got to witness the marriage of our friends Mandy and Michael.  Yay, Mandy and Michael!!!

Me and THE Brandon Loucks

Me and THE NEW Mrs. Altman

I wish I had more exciting things to write about, but I feel nothing really changes for me and therefore... no exciting things to write about. Hmmmm.  The only difference is that I'm actually tan now.  Yowzers!

But hey... I read some books toward my 100 books in a year... yes... I'm still behind, but I still think I can do it!

13)  The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks (390 pages)

14)  Plum Spooky by Janet Evanovich (345 pages)

15)  The Lightening Thief by Rick Riordan (375 pages)

16)  1st to Die by James Patterson (462 pages)